-- from January 24, 2019
It has been a long time since I have written. And to be completely honest, I am not entirely sure of the reason behind that. Perhaps it is because of the busyness that has infiltrated my life, or my intense desire to be more fully present in the small moments, but regardless my writing has taken the back burner.
I find it humorous when this happens because I can only last so long before feeling a burning within my heart to write again.
These past few weeks have been remarkably enlightening. I realize now more than ever, as I face the new challenges my life presents (which are so different from those I experienced as an elite college athlete), that I must remember to choose joy above all else.
It is so easy to drown in the demands of today's society. Whether those are the pressures of a job, the needs of a coach, the wishes of a parent, the due dates of your papers, the desires of your partner, or the body type of another--the have this invisible, yet very real (and like this Incredible-Hulk-strong) grasp on us all. We hold ourselves to such high expectations at times, that we forget to embrace where we are in the present--to embrace the little victories. Our failures become consuming.
We live in a world with an intensified danger of comparison. Social media allows us to be bombarded with the various lifestyles of others, their looks, and their achievements. We create a fictitious structure of how our lives are supposed to look and erase the idea that reality is anything but what sits on those screens. And the craziest part is: we tell ourselves we are not good enough if we do not resemble those lives.
I have fallen succumb to all of these troubles lately. I have found myself worried about the future, anxious about making enough money or painting a picture of myself that will appear more awesome in the eyes of everyone else but the one person I should be concerned about the most: myself.
I let my work take over my mind, let my free time be darkened by hating myself for the way my body was changing post-athletic career, constantly comparing my body to others and wondering why I could not find the motivation to workout more (most likely because I was so exhausted from work), and on top of it all, failing to write and read and be completely myself with the people I loved. I felt a bit like a shell of myself, emotionally on edge and usually crying about the stress of the endless cycle I was putting my own self through.
I wondered if it was silly of me to go out with my friends on the weekend, or have all day movie marathons with my boyfriend and his teammates. I was afraid of the simplicity. Although it was these instances, these memories, that made me truly happy, I felt undeserving of them.
Then I heard a quote from the NBC hit show, This Is Us, which had the winter premiere of its third season last week. One of the main characters, Randall Pearson, was battling the conflict of relationships versus career, of happiness versus fame, and said these words:
"You know one day I'm going to be an old man, laying in bed with a pink blanket pulled over me. Maybe the pink blanket's pale, I can't remember. Anyway, do you know what I'm going to be thinking about? It's not about this election. I'm going to be thinking about blueberry pie. I'm going to be thinking about making gingerbread trains with my four favorite girls. It's family that makes me special, you four are what makes me great." -Randall Pearson, This Is Us
I think it is safe to say we set forth on our journeys with a vision of how we believe our lives will be. We have all have our big dreams. While it is so vital to possess with the drive to capture any dream you set your mind to, it is equally as important to remember what is worth the hard work--what truly makes you happy at the end of the day. Yes, I am so blessed to have been a Madison Capitol, a Shattuck St. Mary's Sabre, and a Wisconsin Badger. I am beyond grateful for everything the sport provided for me in terms of athletic excellence, motivation, strength, and leadership. However, what stands out the most throughout all of those years are the memories I created with the people I loved. The road trips. The parties. The locker room jam sessions. The cheers from my family in the stands. The fact that I can call old teammates and they will pick up the phone no matter what stages of our lives we are in.
That is truly what matters in this life. Just as Randall realized that it is not about the material or fame or fortune, I have remembered that life is supposed to be centered around beautiful minutes spent simply being.
It is about the life chats I have with my roommate on a daily basis, the excitement I get when I look for new apartments in Milwaukee, watching Jersey Shore with the girl who went from being my coworker to my instant best friend, surprise visit from my teammates just the other day, the hugs from them and the laughter--the knowing that nothing has changed in our hearts, even if we are no longer wearing the same jersey. It is watching NHL games with the guys who have grown to be my family. It is cheering my boyfriend on at his hockey games (the tables have turned and now I am the biggest fan), seeing my sister run like the wind, visits from my mom and dad. It is being able to take on the world with the love of my life by my side, the smile he has when we are together, the butterflies that still somehow exist every time I walk through his apartment door.
These are the memories that will be with me until my final days, the memories I want to continue to etch into my soul. This is my happiness.
Life is too short and much too fragile to fail to take the opportunities we have to do what we love. I am fueled by connecting with the people, for sharing pieces of my life with them.
So why the heck not spend time with my PEOPLE? The answer has finally become rhetorical.
So as you head into your morning today, I encourage you to do this:
Take time to tell yourself you are worthy of every happiness. Because you are. Surround yourself with those you love. Make memories with them. Sink into the precious, raw moments with a person. Follow your damn heart. And my gosh, love yourself more. Why?
You deserve it.
And that is by far the greatest part in the grand adventure.
Always yours,
Baylee
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