A window into some of my thoughts from the 13th of the month (that were not so complete...)
Then another piece of my soul from a week later. Enjoy.
January 13th, 2023
Today is Friday the 13th. To the fearful, this day can be filled with doom. To the spirited and open-hearted, today might just be the luckiest of days. This morning as my keys strike this keyboard with such a mighty familiarity, I can only believe in the latter of the two. I feel, to quote the theming adjective of Stephen Chbosky's Perks of Being a Wallflower, quite "infinite." If you've read the novel or seen the movie, you know what I mean and if not--create your own definition.
If I am being transparent, tears have welled in my eyes as I write these words. I cannot begin to express how much I have yearned to feel sunshine pierce my soul again. Like a sunflower trying to bloom in the deep forest, I have felt displaced and quiet and dark. I allowed it to consume me for a while, and though there were so many words coursing through my veins, trying to escape, I could not find the courage to write, let alone seek the light again.
January 19th, 2023
You know, it's a funny thing, our 20s. I used to laugh when those older and seemingly wiser than me noted that very motif. It always felt like some sort of warning, yet I would shake my head at the thought. No way, that voice in my head would say. No way it can surpass everything I had already experienced. Coincidentally, as I write to you now, one of my favorite movies plays as the background soundtrack to my keyboard clanking. It's called Stuck In Love, and to my knowledge is not very popular, but it's one of those films that has somehow imprinted itself on my heart with a lasting burn. My best friend and I used to watch it over and over again in college, falling deeper in our intoxication with the characters, the story, the beauty and cynicism of it all. Only certain people seem to understand it. That's what I secretly love so much about it.
Among the plethora of moments I adore, there is one in which the father figure tells his aspiring writer of a son that he needs to experience more before he turns 20, claiming that nearly all writers have no need to experience anything past that time--that the foundation of their writing should be there, in between those lines. Honestly I used to believe this. I used to try to live with such an undeniable desperation to feel all that I needed to feel right away, racing through my early times. Only now, as I smile at the realization, have I recognized the invisible second half of that concept, the underlying meaning that's grown so shockingly clear to me as I creep upon my 27th trip around the sun. The truth? It's like what all those wise owls told me! Yes, I have experienced so, so much in my life thus far but guess what? The real, raw, gritty part is what is happening right now. It's the resurfacing of emotions, of core memories, maybe even those I had repressed. It's the constant cycle of peeling layers of myself, reshaping my identity, bending it back again, breaking and failing, rising and bursting through. It is in these instances I feel so close to my true being.
You see, not too long ago I began a job I thought would be the ticket--my big break towards my success, my next chapter. I mean, I really jumped on in, without question or a single ounce of caution. I allowed myself to be dazzled by the idea of that first "big girl" career, so desperately wanting to feel like I was contributing to society. And before you go all "what are you talking about? Of course you are an integral part of society!" just hear me out. I have been so fortunate to do some really, really incredible things in this life so far. I've been on top of the world, or at least have felt that way. And ever since those "good ol' days" (I'll call them that), I've been holding this guilt inside of me that I should be doing more. It's silly, I know, but I have put so much pressure on myself in this way, that I fell succumb to the monster of social comparison.
The job, as I imagined, really was incredible. The badass, intelligent people I worked with. The company culture. The undeniable fortune. It was also in a similar realm as my major and my talents. On paper, it checked off every box. I wanted, so badly, for it to be the right fit.
And then the overwhelming weight of anxiety kicked in.
I felt isolated and displaced at work, like I was simply watching everyone around me pass by, accomplishing their tasks and exhibiting such passion while doing so. I found myself pretending to feel the same. I felt guilty, ashamed because of this great opportunity. Why couldn't I enjoy it?
When my days would end, I sank into my couch, filled with exhaustion. As my head hit my pillow in bed, worrying thoughts crashed through the floodgates of my mind, swarming and overflowing. Oftentimes those thoughts materialized into tears that poured from my eyes. I was a mess. It was difficult to wake up each day and trek to work. It was even hard for me to enjoy what was supposed to be happy, like being full present with my family and friends during the holidays. I felt so wayward and ashamed of being that.
While I've managed to escape such anxiety in my past (or so I thought), I have people in my inner circle who have dealt with its repercussions. I have listened to their struggles, their realities, and sympathized with their pain. I never really thought that sympathy could turn into empathy so suddenly and randomly. But here I was, drowning. It was debilitating. Those around me started to take notice, especially my family, boyfriend, and close friends. I am not usually the kind of girl that is swallowed by the world, and they were afraid. I admit I was afraid, too.
Deep down, I knew what I needed. I needed to free myself of this job, as it was not fueling my heart like I thought it would. But I was so scared of quitting, viewing it as a failure, sinking so far into this hole of unworthiness. I was unkind to myself, the thoughts I would think. I tried to convince myself I could do better, that it'll "get better." Just give it a few months, some would say. That terrified me. How could I allow myself to be miserable simply for the idea of this career? The thought was daunting.
In high school, it was tradition that all seniors shared a speech. It was like a sendoff of some sorts, a chance to share your story and impart whatever impact you'd desire on the rest of the students. Not too long ago, I stumbled upon a memory of the words I shared:
"The truth is life isn't always kind. We are not invincible. We cannot fight battles alone. But it does not mean that we are weak or that nothing good can come from life itself. Strength derives from love and with love and strength, we are able to experience miracles in even the darkest of times."
Leave it to my former self to remind me of the power of human connection, of steadfast faith and love. During those moments of darkness, I finally allowed myself to listen to the people I loved. They reminded me to follow my heart, to just give myself the independence I needed, and that it was okay to have tried and not quite succeeded. What mattered is that I tried. They were right. I can honestly attest that without the empowering love and support from my people, I would still be stuck.
Which brings me back to that whole theme of my 20s being the time of my truest growth. I realized the importance of admitting I was not okay, of listening to others, of letting people in. I discovered a lot, actually. I was reminded that I suffered some awful anxiety as a child during some traumatic times I was undergoing. I was even reminded of a memory I never could recall, of my child self trying to take care of everyone when my birth mother passed away so many years ago. It felt so emancipating--these emotions I was experiencing were, surprisingly, quite natural and necessary and REAL.
The common discussion of this inner child stuff? Oh boy, is it true. My inner child, the one that experienced so damn much before I hit my 20s, has been knocking on the door to my heart now, trying to meet the person I am today and tell her she loves her. That I am doing amazingly. That she's proud of me. That my path is mine, and will forever be.
As you can predict, I decided to give little Baylee a hug, and I quit the job. Those on my team at work were so understanding and supportive and kind. I was grateful, and have new, beautiful, friends I am lucky to have now regardless. I started journaling again, writing, starting a story about my late grandpa that I have been wanting to begin, manifesting whatever dreams I have. I owe that to myself. I am taking driving lessons to finally get my license. I am dancing more. I am going on more adventures in the city. I tend to be a windshield wiper, bouncing ball of a personality, and I am learning to be fine with that. I am following what motivates me and fills my soul.
Now that I have rambled for an eternity, I guess the purpose of this post is to encourage anyone reading this who has felt, or may feel, similar to I did, that it is okay to not have it all together. Most of us don't, is what I'm realizing. And if there is ever a time where you are afraid to quit, reframe your mindset. Think of it as a pivot. That's all. Just a pivot back to where you're feeling called to be. Give yourself a break, lean on the support of those who love you like crazy, and go for it. And for goodness sake, give that child in you a giant hug. I promise, it'll feel good.
Life is way too short to not be happy. When we are in those final breaths, will we really be so concerned about the job we didn't take, or the mistakes we made? I think we would want to say we have lived the happiest life we could, with the people we loved the most. And so, I leave you with one final quote from my ever-favorite movie, from the most cynical character turned romantic (much like myself):
"I never enjoy anything. I'm always waiting for what comes next. I think everyone's like that...living life in fast forward never stopping to enjoy the moment, too busy trying to rush through everything so we can get onto what we are supposed to be really doing with our lives. I get these flashes of clarity, brilliant clarity, where I stop for a second and think, wait, this is my life. I better slow down and enjoy it. Because one day we're all gonna end up in the ground and that will be it, we will be gone."
Enjoy this life we have. We only get one. Choose the way you want to live it. I have faith in you!
Till next time,
Baylee
P.S.
A quick message to the reader:
For those of you who have taken some time out of your undeniably busy lives to read this, hello. I appreciate you. I know my posts are few and far between lately, but I thank you for sticking with me on this wayward journey we are on together.
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