I Got Bangs! (and it wasn't an existential crisis)

October 17, 2022

Given this title, you can only guess what I am going to begin with: I got bangs. Yep. I really did it. It sounds a bit crazy, considering most people view a spontaneous bangs decision as a prime indicator of an underlying call for help but I assure you, this was purely intentional and well thought out. I did the thing I do when I really want to buy something and try to escape buyer's remorse--distance myself from the concept, and if I cannot stop thinking about it, then I go for it. In this case, envisioning myself with bangs was reoccurring. Voila. A bangs Baylee.

The point of this post, however, is that I actually had a moment in which I wondered what other people would think. I mean look at me, explaining myself to you.

I find it endlessly fascinating that we as humans (or maybe it's just me) somehow seek external validation for so. many. things.

A majority of my life I've been an athlete. (I still consider myself one, just on a bit of a smaller scale, a gal ripping it up in men's league.) And as an athlete I've been so used to people telling me how well I'm doing. The pats on the back. The "good work out there" verbiage. All athletes know it. It's our oxygen. And there's certainly nothing worse than when we receive the *deep breath* constructive criticism because *GASP* how on earth could we be bad at what we do? What we've dedicated our entire lives to do? No way. So then the never-ending cycle of seeking that addicting praise begins yet again.

Please, don't get me wrong, being an athlete has been, and is, phenomenal. I love being a hockey player. I would never change or regret any of my moments spent on that beautiful rink, wearing the W on my chest, playing in front of the greatest crowd. It takes my breath away thinking about it. Even now, the sound of my blades cutting into a crisp ice surface makes my heart skip a beat. What I've realized, however, is how much of my worth I tended to place into the hands of others. Into those words of appraisal, the cheers of the crowd, my place in the lineup. As I've transitioned into "normal life," the real world, beyond the game, I've noticed just how often I am looking to others to determine who I am.

I'm taking a leadership course right now, filled with some powerful women aspiring to grow and learn how to take on more responsibility and lead more effectively, and let me tell you--it's been enlightening as heck. I've been blown away by the stories of these ladies, and the total opennness and vulnerability that's been embraced and displayed by each of us. Myself included. I am VERY into the self-help, self-awareness phase of my life, like it's completely cliche and I'm unashamed of it. Tonight I just finished another chapter of You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero, and I felt a calling to write this post because I am discovering that the truth is...

My self worth is in my OWN hands.

As Jen perfectly describes it: "We throw a wet blanket of ho-hummery over our lives when we live in a fear of what others may think, instead of in celebration of who we are."

That is exactly it. I was so busy craving the attention and glory that accompanied my sport, it sometimes blinded me from reiterating my love for myself, that deep love that's always been there, but sometimes was pushed aside in the pressure of it all. And now I am realizing more than ever how valuable the skills of self-love and self-awareness truly are. That's the oxygen I need now!

When I skate, it should be because I love to skate. At whatever level, wherever it may be. When I write it should be because I want to write. It shouldn't matter who says what, or if someone disagrees or not--because it brings me joy. And my words are mine. I must be the one to pat myself on the back, to look at myself in the mirror and think, damn she rocks. It's absolutely liberating.

In the dark times where we question ourselves, where we doubt ourselves, where we self-deprecate, if we just take a second to alter those thoughts and remember that our fate is determined by the unique person called YOU, it allows us to pursue our full potentials.

And I'm not saying it's all sunshine and rainbows, or it's an easy fix because re-wiring the way your brain works is f***ing hard!

But it's possible. It's, quite literally, within us.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, amidst this crazy soap-box ramble, is to get the fricken bangs if you want.

Travel the world. Quit your job. Take the leap. Jump off the cliff. Walk the unbeaten path. Whatever metaphor or literal thing you're going for. If it makes you, and I mean you with your super awesome abilities, happy??

Then nothing. else. matters.

And give yourself a damn hug. You deserve it.

Until next time,

Bay

P.S.

If none of this appeals to you...welp. Maybe another post will. I sure as heck won't be thinking any less of myself for it.